Today's tears

Today is a centering sort of day.
I nursed Isaiah down to sleep last night, and then I held him in all of his peacefulness as tears streamed down my face.....Amy is gone.
I woke up this morning with no desire to go about my "routine" but I tried to because Isaiah was hungry and he didn't know any different. On our walk I felt so angry and disjointed - like I was flying in 48 different directions and I couldn't find myself.
Finally around 9am I started crying again and left Isaiah with Levi. Upstairs in our bedroom I wept and mourned as wave after wave hit me. I can't really describe it with words - it is deep sadness.
I feel deep peacefulness all over me with each breath in, and out. I can't control this. I have to let it out. And in doing so I can feel, again, my center....Who I am, what I'm really feeling, what I really need in each individual moment. You know what I mean if you've ever been sitting in traffic with a calmness radiating from within you. You've drawn on a "deep source" beyond yourself.
Last night I could see in my spirit that Abba (Daddy) was holding me, rocking me, and crying tears of remorse with me. He never meant for this to happen. He never wanted to see me go through this. He held my face and looked deep into my eyes, "I'm so sorry...."
And I knew that His heart is anguished with mine.
I've heard people say "He counts every tear" or something to that effect. For the first time I really feel that - the real empathy of His heart!
It touches the deepest part inside of me when I know Him this way....it's like I was going through withdrawal in those frustrating, disjointed moments....it's good to be connected again.